“I canNOT believe it’s been 1 year.” 🥺 Every mom says the same thing when their child turns one. I’m no different but that cliche phrase holds some weightier feelings for me. These pictures were taken one year ago and I had Crew the next day. I literally look like I was smuggling a LARGE pumpkin under that dress and it makes me not feel so bad about the current state of my momma belly. 😅Crew is my 3rd baby so I’ve come to grips by now with the truth that “these are the longest days of our lives that will turn into the shortest years of our lives.” He’s been the sweetest, happiest baby from the start. His addition into our three-ring circus was pretty seamless. In my opinion, going from 1 to 2 children was more difficult than going from 2 to 3. God knew exactly what we needed and He was gracious to give us an angel baby. 😇
When I say “I can’t believe it’s been one year” what I actually mean is “I can’t believe it’s ONLY been o-n-e year.” Willow’s birth was traumatic, Tate’s pregnancy and birth were traumatic, but honestly I think I’d rank the events surrounding my pregnancy & birth with Crew as the most stressful. I’ve alluded to some of what our family went through in that season of life, but for the most part it’s been a private journey our family has trudged through. I still don’t think all the details are necessary, but as I reflect on this precious birth date of our baby, I’m reminded of all we went through and in awe of God’s timing, provision, and grace over the past year.
Crew was born on October 12, 2021. Not quite 2 months prior, my husband was forced to resign from the church he was pastoring. It was not a peaceful departure. We honestly saw ourselves in that ministry for the rest of our lives. The months leading up to the resignation were ugly, stressful, heartbreaking, and downright disappointing. The stress put me into preterm labor at one point but the doctors were able to calm my body down & allow Crew to keep cooking for a bit longer. So many of us have experienced church hurt; it’s a hurt that hits differently. 💔I’m well aware that we weren’t the only ones hurt during that ordeal. Most notably, as with any church drama, the cause of Christ was hurt the most & that’s the truly heartbreaking part. When you experience that hurt from the position of pastor & pastor’s wife, your whole life is wrapped up in that ministry in so many more ways than a typical church member’s. The members lose a pastor, the pastor loses a congregation. The members continue to sleep in the same home, work the same job, and maybe even continue to attend the same church. In our situation, we lost our church family, Chris was without a job, and we also had to find a new place to live since we formerly lived in the church’s parsonage. All of that is difficult enough, but add being 8 months pregnant on top of it all. Not to mention, having a child with special needs to worry about. My stomach starts to get in knots just thinking back on it. 😔
So as we were gearing up to welcome baby #3 into the world, instead of nesting we were packing. Of course there was excitement about our baby boy coming soon, but there was also much grief, confusion, anxiety, and stress. We weren’t able to secure another place to live before Crew’s birth, so we brought him home to a nursery that was all packed up except for the essentials. 📦 It’s bittersweet to think that I brought all 3 of my babies home from the hospital to the same house. Crew just barely made that happen. 🥰It was bizarre to feel this strong desire to pack up & “get out of dodge” in a time when you’re supposed to be cozying up & settling in. We didn’t want to buy a house because we didn’t know where God would want us to go next. We didn’t want to move too far away immediately because all of big brother Tate’s health needs were being met locally. Rentals were expensive and very hard to come by. Chris needed a new job but also didn’t want to leave his postpartum wife alone with 3 babies too soon. What a mess. But God… 🙌🏼
At the time of Crew’s birth we had about 1 month left to find housing before we needed to be out of the parsonage. Again, this situation was SO not ideal.🤦🏼♀️ The church began trying to sell the parsonage while we were still living there so we had to shuffle house viewings with a newborn. When you’ve been hurt, you just want to hurry up & move on but this was like reopening the wound every single day that we stayed there. 🩹 But in the waiting, God provided for us. Some sweet friends of ours reached out when they heard about what happened at the church. They had us over for dinner to catch up and love on us. During that meal, our need for housing came up. “It just so happened” that their garage apartment was coming available for rent right before our deadline to move out of the parsonage. They eagerly said, “It’s all yours for as long as you need it.” We tried to pay them their typical rental rate but they wouldn’t hear of it and their joy was visible when they explained that they were just so excited to be able to bless our family in this way. Cue the hormones 😭 😭 😭 🙌🏼
Let me tell y’all about the goodness of God. Right in the middle of heartbreak and hurt, right after intense hurt by some of God’s people, just when we were questioning & feeling skeptical about the Church, God used the body of Christ to minister to and support our family when we needed it most. God loves to use His people to help His people; even when, especially when, His people have been hurt by His people. Hopefully I didn’t just lose you there 😂After seeing the body of Christ in a local church not functioning like the body of Christ was commanded to, God used others to restore our faith in what God’s true design for the body of Christ was. We officially moved out of the parsonage when I was two weeks postpartum. Obviously I couldn’t help move anything and that was SO hard for my go-getter, type-A personality. 🥴Family & friends (who had also been involved in the church hurt) showed up to help move us, and all I could do was direct traffic. Do you know how humbling it is to watch someone else sweep up the mess that was under your couch? Very humbling. These same people fed us for the entire 2 weeks after Crew’s birth leading up to this move. At one point, my friend literally fed me pizza that we had ordered to feed the moving team, while I nursed my baby on my unmade bed. Those dear people had just walked through a season of church hurt, not just with us, but also partly because of us & how we felt we needed to follow the Lord. Those people will never understand how their friendship & support literally got us through one of the hardest times we’d ever been through. They were the hands and feet of Jesus in many ways and it was one of the most humbling times of my life to be served by them when we were so vulnerable. ❤️
Fun fact: the little garage apartment we moved our family of 5 into was about 800 square feet with 2 bedrooms and 1 bath. We stored our belongings that wouldn’t fit in one of the garage bays and kept out only the bare minimum & essentials. We had to re-home our 3 dogs due to our unstable living situation. There’s just a couple of times I’ve experienced the peace of God so acutely and tangibly in my life. Once was during Tate’s emergency delivery. The other was the first night that we spent in that cozy little apartment after Crew was born. The weeks and months leading to that night’s rest were filled with so much anxiety, stress, and hurt. There were days we could’ve cut the tension with a knife. I watched my husband go through so much stress it was almost unbearable; I’ve never seen someone pray so earnestly and be so submitted to God’s leading amidst it all. I’ve never seen someone so disrespected by others, yet handle it all with such meekness and grace. After week after week of THAT kind of environment, I will NEVER forget when my head snuggled into the pillow that night. I lay there in the dark, with a newborn in the cradle beside me, and I realized I had a smile on my face. For the first time in months, there was peace. If you ask me to name the first place that comes to mind when you say the word “cozy”, I’d give you the address of that little apartment.🏡We only lived there for 3 months, but I’ll always consider it to be one of our “homes”. I can’t think of that place, those people, that season without tearing up. It was a haven of rest when we were feeling very weary. The fact that we spent the holiday season in that little apartment makes it all the more cozy to my memory. Our little family spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together there and it was idllyic. Less than ideal to some looking from the outside in perhaps, but to us it was perfect. Ya’ll, it didn’t have a dishwasher and my toddlers shared the biggest bedroom and if you asked me to move back in tomorrow, I’d probably do it! 😆When we had the U-Haul loaded for North Carolina a few months later, I hugged those sweet people’s necks and SOBBED. 😭I just can’t put into words what it meant to our family. God is so good.
All that to say, when we come up on Crew’s first birthday (tomorrow!!!), I think you can understand now why I can’t believe it’s ONLY been one year. That season of life, the hurt we went through, it all seems like it was ages ago. All that our family has done & everywhere we’ve gone since then seems impossible to have squeezed into just one year. I’ve said it before in a previous blog post, but Crew’s arrival was a severe mercy. The gift of new life, the smell of a newborn, the snuggles, & everything that accompanies the joy & excitement of bringing a baby into the world – all of that was starkly juxtaposed with the end of a ministry, the rejection of supposed friends, & the feelings of being completely uprooted. In the time leading up to Crew’s arrival I was tempted to think “this timing couldn’t be worse.” But according to our sovereign Creator, the timing couldn’t have been better, & of course He’s always right. ❤️It’s been a mercy to be so consumed with the care of three little ones to not have time to wallow in my feelings about the severe season we’ve come out of. There’s a stigma about not being in “full-time ministry” anymore but you know what? Yes we are. Over the course of this year God has graciously shown my husband and I where our first ministry lies. It’s right inside the 4 walls of our home and let me tell you, raising up three tiny disciples is a full-time ministry. Ensuring your marriage is solid takes intentional presence and effort. Healing a weary soul takes time, meditation, and reflection. Fighting off bitterness, cynicism, and the urge to throw in the towel takes armoring up daily for spiritual warfare. We don’t need big titles to do big things for the Kingdom. ✝️
I officially have precious babies ages 3, 2, and 1. I suppose there are many themes and lessons that could be taken away from this story of the circumstances that surrounded the birth of our Crewby-Dooby-Do. I’ll let you take away whatever might be of help or encouragement to you. I’ll admit this experience I’ve recounted to you is sprinkled with sin, shortcomings, & failures all my own that weren’t highlighted. But what I hope has been highlighted is the grace of God. His perfect timing, His kind provision, His generous people, His constant presence, and His peace that passes all understanding. Temptations to look back and wonder “why” are natural, but this quote has helped me keep a proper perspective.
By His Grace & My Grit,
Hilary
