“What kind of question is that?” I’m a Christian wife & mother to 4 little ones that I adore, so how could I even pose such a question? Motherhood is a gift. It’s a blessing. It’s a calling & a joy & my life’s work, to be sure. But let’s be honest, if you’re a mother you’ve probably posed this question to yourself or to the Lord in some way or another. We know from Scripture that motherhood is a gift; one of life’s greatest treasures & a lifelong commitment that ought not be taken lightly. And yet, it’s often weary work. Mundane. Messy. Humbling. Burdensome. Imperfect. Bittersweet. If it’s such a blessing, why does it often feel like a cursed assignment? I think you see now what I mean when I posed the question: is motherhood a curse? The answer is yes and no.
Let me start by explaining how my motherhood journey thus far has sometimes felt cursed. I’ve had 4 babies but only 1 naturally, the other 3 were C-sections. The longest I breastfed any of my babies was 7 months. I’ve spent countless hours hooked up to a breast pump during the first several months of each baby’s life. When I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second child, I was heartbroken to discover that my little boy had Spina Bifida, a disability that he’d bear all his life. My babies have had reflux, tongue & lip ties, broken bones, cysts, one “failure to thrive”, & required therapies to help them develop. I think back to my firstborn, the only baby I got to deliver “how God intended”. I had a birth plan of wanting to spend the “golden hour” with her on my chest, delay the cord clamping & tests, prolong the skin-to-skin time. It all went out the window when she was born silent. The quiet hour I planned turned into horribly, long frenzied minutes of specialists running in to help my blue baby breathe. That long awaited cry was pitiful and beautiful and broken by sobs of my family who had been holding their breath, praying she would catch hers. I’ve experienced postpartum depression & anxiety, brought on after the traumatic early birth of my Spina Bifida baby, at 32 weeks due to a placental abruption. If that wasn’t enough, we had to call 911 when he finally came home from the NICU because he stopped breathing. My husband revived him while the operator gave instructions over the phone. My 3rd baby was a failed VBAC, leading to my second C-section, which doomed my scarred belly to have to endure it all over again if I wanted more babies. Number 4 was a chubby 8 pound 11 ounce girl that nearly ruptured my uterus. The doctor delivered the news of the “window” he discovered when delivering her & how “lucky” we were to have done the C-section on my 39th week. The spinal block didn’t take during that last C-section; they got to a certain layer & I panicked because I could feel it all. Heavy drugs were given to ease my pain & I hallucinated the rest of the time; barely registering the first cries & first gaze of the mysterious baby against a fuzzy background of blue.
Motherhood. What a blessing. What a …. Curse?
Here’s what God has shown me over the past 4 years about motherhood. It comes from Genesis 3:16. Adam & Eve have just disobeyed God. Sin & it’s nasty consequences begin to instantly spread; like a rock being thrown into a calm lake & the ripples multiplying, getting wider & traveling further at surprising speed. “To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children…” In the past, I just thought that’s why natural childbirth was painful for women. Because of the curse. Because of the impacts of sin entering the world. And that is indeed the consequence for all women, because of Eve’s sin, because of our sin. But we live in 2023; there are epidurals and doulas and lactation consultants. We have modern medicine, OB/GYNs and pediatricians at our disposal. If anyone could bypass the curse, surely it’s us in this day and age. Right? Wrong.
Maybe motherhood is seemingly “cursed” because there’s nothing in this world that hasn’t been stained by sin. Maybe this verse isn’t just citing painful childbirth for women who choose to go “all-natural.” Perhaps it also includes the pain of C-sections, abnormalities noted during anatomy scans, not being able to breastfeed, difficulty getting pregnant, miscarriages, pumping, NICU babies, postpartum depression, and the list goes on & on & on. Perhaps the pain doesn’t end the moment labor is complete; maybe the pain that we’ll experience “bringing forth” children extends outside of the Labor & Delivery unit. Your motherhood experiences may be nothing like what I described above. Maybe your epidural worked beautifully, maybe you’ve never had a child with a disability, you passed the 1 year mark breastfeeding, etc, etc, etc. Not that it’s been easy, but maybe less traumatic. And yet, I bet you can still resonate with what I’m describing here. You feel guilt, or shame, or regret, or anxiety about what you’re doing or how you’re doing in motherhood, for any number of reasons and it’s a heavy weight to bear.
Is motherhood cursed? “NO WAY”, we answer reflexively. But inwardly questions like these come up more than we’d like: “Am I doing this right? Why is this so hard; when will it get easier? Where did I go wrong? Why couldn’t ____ have gone as planned? Am I doing enough? What kind of mother will they think I am because I chose to _____? Why is the best thing I’ve ever done also the hardest thing I’ve ever done?”
How can we say & believe that motherhood is a beautiful blessing from the Lord if it’s so negatively impacted by the Fall? Where is our hope as mothers? Galatians 3 says that Christ has redeemed us from the curse of sin by becoming a curse for us when he hung on a tree at Calvary. 2 Corinthians 5 says that Jesus was made to be sin for us, even though he knew no sin of his own, so that we could become the righteousness of God. Yes, we live in a fallen world that is impacted by sin in millions of ways. We can’t escape the consequences of our first parent’s disobedience in the garden. But we who are in Christ, do not live under the curse of sin. The Gospel is the hope of every woman, mother or not. We press on in our struggle as mothers with this assurance: that Jesus Christ became a curse for us on the cross. That He died & rose again & we can wear His righteousness. We don’t have to drag around the shame or regret or fears that motherhood brings. Our identity doesn’t even belong in the title “mother” but in “daughters of the King.” We can separate how living in a fallen world impacts our mothering from any responsibility we may be tempted to feel about how mothering has “gone wrong” for us. For example, I did nothing wrong that caused me to have a child with a disability or to have C-sections. These are effects of a sin-sick world, not punishments from God. He is sovereign to use these heartbreaks, despite their sadness, for His glory. My hope isn’t found in how well I do as a mom; it’s found in the person of Jesus Christ. Whether you breastfeed or have go back to work or go “all natural” or take the drugs or homeschool or co-sleep; do all to the glory of God in your mothering.
We women agonize over what we could’ve done differently as mothers. I’ve been there. We had the best of plans and intentions, and yet…God had his. Motherhood isn’t a curse; it’s a divine blessing. Eve’s curse of pain in bringing forth children, is still sending out ripple effects today & we are not immune. But in Christ, we are not cursed; we are chosen. We are known & loved & seen & heard. Not because of any note-worthy attributes of our own. But because of the cursed One who hung on a tree. He’s making all things new. He’s using the “hard” to soften & sanctify us. Whatever sorrow you bear in your motherhood, it’s already been borne by Him. (Isaiah 53) That’s the hope that we have in motherhood when we belong to Christ. Where sin abounds, much more does His grace.
By His Grace & My Grit,
Hilary Harrison
